Letter From A Former Khalistani
As a Sikh kid growing up in California, it’s safe to say that a large part of my time has been spent playing a juggling act between my Indian and American sides. I assimilated just enough to fit in with my American friends, while still holding on to my ancestral heritage. But as a Punjabi Sikh, there’s an added challenge, which I don’t think most other minority groups face.
It’s that tug of war, where I cost acceptance if I call myself “Indian”, but I know I’ll fully enjoy the comforts of being embraced if I identify as only Punjabi. “I’m Punjabi, not Indian” – a phrase thrown around in Punjabi Sikh crowds all too often, especially among the youth.
I still remember the first time I was corrected. It was during lunch hour in the school cafeteria. I didn’t wear a turban and would often pass for Mexican, so my cultural identity wasn’t always obvious by appearance.
But one day, when a group of us friends were having lunch together, a white friend asked me, “So! When did you come from Mexico?” I laughed and said, “Nah, man, I’m Indian! My family came in the 60’s though.” Little did I know, my answer would trigger my Amritdhari friend, who sat across from me giving me a piercing death stare I’ll never forget. He goes, “Wtf, man!? You’re not Indian! You’re Punjabi! Do you have any idea of your history, bro?” This was one of those rare times I found myself at a complete loss for words. I felt ignorant and lost, plunged into a matrix of confusion.
Later that day, on my way home from school, like following a ritual, I told my Mom about my day. I went on to share the events of that lunch hour and asked her about my friend’s claim, “So, we’re Punjabi, Mom? Not Indian?” She looked at me, part confused, part shocked and said, “Who’s saying this sort of stuff to you, putt? Of course, we’re Indian. Do you really think your Nanaji and Dadaji would’ve fought in the Indian army if they didn’t care to represent the country, and now your Chachaji too?”
She didn’t delve too much into anything and simply told me to just focus on school and not get involved with “these things”. I wasn’t satisfied though. I probed some more. But all my Mom said was that, after the partition, the 80’s and 90’s were a dark chapter for Punjab and it’s better left in the past. The 17-year-old me remained unsatiated though, so I went on my own excursion to find out what the dark chapter really was.
The summer of 2007 was when I started acquainting myself with the very history my friend alluded to. Partition. The lies my people were told. Our land split and stolen from us. Oppression of my people under Hindu rule. The list was endless. And surely enough, it wasn’t long before I adopted the “I’m Punjabi, not Indian” belief; I would make sure to reply thusly anytime questions of my cultural identity arose.
And, let me tell you! I would feel PROUD. In those moments, I felt like I really knew who I was. I was Punjabi. Not Indian. And I was not to be messed with!
My passion for my new found identity was so intense that I took it upon myself to teach my parents and Grandpa, a decorated retired Indian army officer, at that, who we truly are. We are the “Singhs” of the Guru and our path is to take back what was and has always been ours – Punjab, as an independent state. The land of our Gurus. We were fooled by the Hindu Indian government. They broke their promise to us during the time leading up to the partition. Plain and simple.
In a nutshell, that’s the narrative I was fed and that’s the knowledge I made sure I passed on to any and every Punjabi Sikh in my reach. Like a true Sikh of the Guru.
This transition from Indian to Punjabi is a long story and something I’ll delve into another day; what I feel called to talk about today, though, is the U-turn. And what made it possible was something deceptively powerful.
I’ll never forget those days sitting with my Grandpa who so patiently tried to teach me the Punjabi alphabet (Gurmukhi), but the 4-year-old me just had too much energy to contain, to the point that nothing could get me to sit still and learn, until my Dad decided to enroll me into Punjabi classes at our local Gurudwara…taught by a couple of mean Aunties from the community. I failed his efforts too though, but nonetheless the seeds of the alphabet were planted and unbeknownst to me, it would be the one thing that would come to my rescue decades later.
I grew up hearing the sounds of paath and simran resonating in my home; my family continues to host akandh-paath at the local Gurudwara almost every year. So, without ever thinking about it much, Gurbani has been in the backdrop of my life.
But as I’ve grown older and my passion for the Khalistan movement deepened as well, one thing that I found myself thinking about was what does the Guru really say. One very clear instruction given to all Sikhs by Guru Gobind Singh ji was that the Shri Guru Granth Sahib (SGGS) will serve as the living Guru. I thought to myself I don’t really need to look all that far for answers then, do I?!
And so it began.
I didn’t really know what to expect. At the very least, I figured I’ll be better acquainted with the scripture of my faith and at best, I was hoping to collect some arguments for the cause I’d thrown myself behind with all my heart because after all, most leaders at the forefront of this movement would often cite the Guru as having said one thing or another. I thought I’d see it for myself.
When I began this journey, it wasn’t too long before Vaisakhi, so like a true soldier of the Guru, I decided to start reading on the day the Khalsa was inaugurated. The day was April 13, 2020, and let’s just say, my vision has never been more crystal clear. (Pun intended!)
I woke up around 6 am, showered, changed into a new set of clothes, covered my head, and bowed down to Baba ji’s saroop my family kept at home and began reading. I opened up a digital version on my laptop as well to help with translation. With my Punjabi reading as rusty as ever, I stumbled a lot, took breaks, and didn’t finish the first page without feeling winded! I don’t think I was ready for what I was about to find on Ang 2 though. It was as if a rug was pulled from under my feet.
ਗੁਰੁ ਈਸਰੁ ਗੁਰੁ ਗੋਰਖੁ ਬਰਮਾ ਗੁਰੁ ਪਾਰਬਤੀ ਮਾਈ ॥
गुरु ईसर गुरु गोरख बरमा गुरु पारबती माई ॥
Gur eesar gur gorakʰ barmaa gur paarbaṫee maa▫ee.
The Guru is Shiva, the Guru is Vishnu and Brahma; the Guru is Paarvati.
This didn’t entirely sit well with my Khalistani mind. I vividly remember feeling uncomfortable and thinking this has to be one of those things done by the oh so evil Bahmans (a common slur Khalistanis use when referring to Hindus). I wasn’t sure if I should even continue, but I managed to complete a few more pages.
I brought this up with my parents and told them I’m not going to continue reading because the SGGS looks manipulated. We don’t worship Hindu gods. But their advice was simple, “Padi ja. Saara samaj aaju! Granth vich koi kami ni. Kami sadi akal vich ae.” (“Keep reading. Everything will become clear! There’s nothing wrong with the SGGS. The issue is with our understanding.”)
My Dad also went a step further and assured me that the Granth was sealed and approved by Guru Gobind Singh ji himself in 1708 and it remains as the only version in print and circulation today.
In the coming months, as I continued to read on there were similar head scratchers, but the one that really left me shook was the following by Guru Arjan Dev ji on Ang 98.
ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿਮਧੁਸੂਦਨੁਨਿਸਤਾਰੇ॥
गुरमुख मधुसूदन निसतारे ॥
Gurmukʰ maḋʰusooḋan nisṫaaré.
The Gurmukhs are emancipated by the Lord.
ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿਸੰਗੀਕ੍ਰਿਸਨਮੁਰਾਰੇ॥
गुरमुखि संगी कृष्ण मुरारे ॥
Gurmukʰ sangee krisan muraaré.
Sri Krishna becomes the Gurmukh’s Companion.
ਦਇਆਲਦਮੋਦਰੁਗੁਰਮੁਖਿਪਾਈਐਹੋਰਤੁਕਿਤੈਨਭਾਤੀਜੀਉ॥
दयाल दमोदरु गुरमुख पाईऐ होरत कितै न भाती जीउ ॥
Ḋayaal ḋamoḋar gurmukʰ paaeeæ horaṫ kiṫæ na bʰaaṫee jeeo.
The Gurmukh finds the Merciful Lord. He is not found any other way.
In summary, Guru Arjan Dev ji is saying that the individual who follows the Guru is liberated by Madhusudan, his companion is Krishan Murari, and he finds Dayaal Damodar. I wasn’t entirely sure what all of these meant, so I decided to search Madhusudan, Krishan Murari, Dayaal Damodar. And to my sheer surprise, they are all names referring to the Hindu avatar, Shri Krishna.
Meanwhile, the translation on my computer showed “Madhusudan” as “Lord”, “Dayaal Damodar” as “merciful Lord”. When I gained a better understanding of these names, I realized the enormous injustice the translation was doing.
For those who might not know, Madhusudan refers to the one who destroyed the demon Madhu, that being Krishna. Murari is a combination of two words “Mura” and “ari”; “Mura” is a demon, “ari” is the destroyer; again, that being Krishna. Finally, “Damodar” means “roped around the belly” which pays homage to an incident during Krishna’s childhood where his mother, Yashoda, tied him to a pole for his naughtiness!
On the same page, Guru Arjan Dev ji continued to describe the image of Shri Krishna in great detail. By now, my confusion had reached new heights, and on the same token, the separation between Hindus and Sikhs was also starting to blur.
I was bewildered because in all of my research of Khalistan so far, anytime SGGS was spoken about, one common argument that came up was that the ‘Ram’ in the SGGS is different from the ‘Ram’ that Hindus worship. But what about Krishna? Is he different too? Oddly enough though, the description of Krishna by Guru Arjan Dev ji is the Krishna that Hindus worship to the T.
Another question that arose in my mind was that if we’re entirely separate, then why is the SGGS replete with names of Hindu deities and in many instances, the Gurus or Bhagats who reference them are even singing their praises?
This was, more or less, how the remaining 1332 pages went. I would find something that would challenge my way of thinking on every page; I questioned, I searched, but with every dilemma, I felt I was that much closer to my source and to reality.
Most recently during my searching, I even stumbled on a Youtube channel called “The Nectar” which shares shabads very similar to what I shared from Ang 98 of the SGGS. To my surprise, many of these are shabads prohibited from being sung in the Golden Temple as per rules of the SGPC. Why? Well…they’re “too Hindu”.
It became more and more clear to me that the divide between Hindus and Sikhs was nothing but artificially manufactured. We’re literally one people and I’d been forced to think otherwise. I don’t mean “one” in the abstract sense when talking about humanity. I mean it literally. Hindus and Sikhs are historically one group. And to put it simply, I was taught hatred against my own. And because the narrative fed on my emotions as a young impressionable boy, I fell for it. That’s the story of almost every Khalistani – young and old.
After the quality time I spent with my living Guru, I ventured to find other Sikh scholarship; Suraj Prakash being one of my favourites. “Suraj Prakash” is another such source that corroborates very well with the SGGS. When I came to learn that there’s really no religious basis for the Khalistan movement, I delved deeper into the politics of it. I’ll save that for another day, however.
I undertook this endeavour in 2020, when I was 30 years old. It took me almost 2.5 to 3 years to get through the SGGS thoroughly. When I started, I was a solid decade as a foot soldier for Khalistan. 13 years to be exact. And now, thinking back on my commitment as a Khalistani, I feel robbed- robbed of my identity, robbed of my history, robbed of my relationship to a much larger civilization, robbed of my youth fighting for a big fat lie.
My only solace now is that if I can help bring others make the same U-turn I did, perhaps all is not lost. It was only after this exercise that I was able to shed the belief, “I’m Punjabi. I’m not Indian.” And another slogan I let go of - “Sade Guru, thaude devi-devte” (“our Gurus, your Devatas”). None of this was what I was planned for. But I can confidently say, I’m better off because of it.
In closing, if someone reading this is on a journey similar to mine pre-U-turn, I leave you with a few simple questions…
- Have you read the Shri Guru Granth Sahib? If not, are you truly a “Guru da Sikh”?
- Can you, with confidence, define what is meant by “Waheguru”?
- Our Gurus literally worshipped deities we distance ourselves from (even abuse!). We go to lengths to undo their very devotion. Is that not beadbi?
- When you refer to the Guru’s maryada (code of conduct), do you even know what that means if you haven’t even read a single page of the Shri Guru Granth Sahib?
- Every time you claim your activism is within the Guru’s maryada, you’re putting words in the Guru’s mouth. Is that not beadbi?
Be honest with yourself. That’s what the Guru wants. I hope that’s one thing we can agree on.
